The Big V & IAWL, Part V
The Big V
Posted by email@example.com on March 23, 2015
Men across the country are scheduling vasectomies to coincide with the NCAA Tournament so they can miss work and watch the games.
That’s no joke.
A newlywed couple is arguing about how many children to have. The bride says she wants three children. The husband says two will be plenty. There’s yelling. The husband barks, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” His wife replies, “Well then, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it was one your own.”
Now that’s a joke. Maybe not a good one, but it is a joke all the same.
The part about men across the country scheduling vasectomies to coincide with the NCAA tournament, that’s all true.
Men aren’t calling in sick. They’re calling in impotent.
Several newspapers have had stories about it.
“The first round of the NCAA tournament represents that perfect three or four days that you need for recovery after a vasectomy,” Dr. Brad Erickson, a urologist with the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics, told The Gazette, an Iowa newspaper.
I know there aren’t a lot of things to do in Iowa, but there have got to be better options than going in for a snip here and snip there.
And it’s not just happening in Iowa. It’s as if a vasectodemic is sweeping the land.
Back in 2012, a urology clinic in Massachusetts offered free pizzas to any guy who received a vasectomy from them during the NCAA tournament. This gives a whole new meaning to March Madness.
USA Today had its own version of this Big V story, detailing what New Orleans surgeon Dr. Neil Baum has been doing since 2009 come NCAA Tournament time. He offers a scalpel-free vasectomy with pizza, a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a gel ice pack and, while the patient heals up on the couch, a bell to ring so they can have someone, as the doc put it, “bring them a fresh beer or whatever they need.”
These are incredible stories.
Having my NCAA picks blown up on the first day is agony enough without having to go through the pain of a vasectomy, too.
Even if it was pain-free, I’m not trading my ability to procreate for a couple days on the couch with a gel ice pack to watch basketball games.
I have better things to do with my time and my procreator.
(Originally posted Saturday, March 21)
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It’s A Wonderful Line, Part V
Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on March 22, 2015
Whether you talk, yell, grunt or just wrinkle your brow, you’re communicating.
For those of you who talk, I’d like to offer some helpful suggestions from my not-yet-published book, “It’s A Wonderful Line.”
In the book, I offer movie lines that work for a variety of scenarios.
Today’s scenarios deal with communicating.
Here are five of them, as they will appear in the book, if the damn thing ever gets published …
1) You want to let somebody know it’s time to shut their pie hole. Go with this line from the Marx Brothers classic, “Duck Soup” …
“You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.’”
2) You keep trying but you can’t get through to your friend/relative/boss/etc. Maybe it’s time to brush off the line from “Cool Hand Luke” that goes …
“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.”
3) When you want to communicate to somebody that you’re not in the mood to communicate, rip off this Danny Kaye riff from “The Court Jester.” The other person will be sure to leave you alone after you say …
“The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.’’
4) If you want the rest of the planet to know you’re not in a happy place, it’s time to lift this line from “Network” and be sure to lift it loudly …
“… I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’’
5) Uh-oh. The biggest windbag at work is about to tell another lousy story. Stop them before they get started with this Al Jolson line from “The Jazz Singer,” the first talking picture ever …
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You ain’t heard nothin’ yet. Wait a minute, I tell ya, you ain’t heard nothin’! Do you wanna hear ‘Toot, Toot, Tootsie?!”
Full disclosure: I am, for reasons I truly can’t explain, a huge Jolson fan. So I had to include a line from the seminal film that transitioned movie-making from silent pictures to talkies.
Besides, you ask somebody if they want to hear “Toot, Toot, Tootsie” and, trust me, you can bet they won’t have a comeback. They’ll become like characters in a silent movie. They’ll just stare at you and then walk away, and that’s a much preferred form of communication over hearing them talk.
(Originally posted Friday, March 20)